When people feel invisible: 5 actions to help combat depersonalization
I have had the pleasure of joining a few webinars lately that have discussed and tried to wrestle with burnout. This topic is dominating not only business news but consumer news. Experts are trying to piece together why people are leaving their jobs, why they are checked out mentally and why people are no longer happy with the status quo.
I have written about this several times as well. I heard one reason this week that I hadn’t considered as to why people are so “over” our current circumstances despite the obvious factors. This reason is a concept called “depersonalization”.
When I think about it, we are a bit lost today. No one is seeing our face these days except on a computer screen and many of us are starting to get “over” the camera-on demands of web meetings. So, we are more comfortable being a gray shadow person with our name below it as our representation. There are studies that state Zoom fatigue is real because we were not wired, if you’ll pardon the pun, to be that up close and intimate with people. I often guide people to sit further back from their camera and invest in a wireless headset so you can be seen but not at a distance where I can see every pore on your face!
Since we are not comfortable being this close to people’s faces, we are retreating more and more, which is leading to a feeling of being lost, unimportant, unrecognizable, and unknown. As humans, we crave social interaction. Even those introverts need human interaction. I know some of you may prefer a good book to a good cocktail party but you need people some of the time, just not all the time. I am the same way. I love the energy of a good in-person brainstorming session but I also value those times where I am writing in solitude with my dog curled up next to me (like now!).
I see people retreating and feeling they are just a number, not a real person but I didn’t have a label for it. I have heard time and time again that employees “just want someone to talk to.” This can be about their career, network, skills, education, workload, goals, and sometimes, their life. Many of us are uncomfortable playing more of a counselor role than a manager or colleague role. Managers don’t need to be counselors but they may be forced more than ever to ask questions and listen, which is essentially the crux of good counseling.
To me, depersonalization means a lack of connection, a lack of conversation about someone’s goals, or a lack of a feeling of achievement or recognition. In the sea of black screens for meetings, no one feels heard or seen anymore. For some, this is a real challenge. They don’t know where they stand and what their options are in terms of their career.
More than ever we need to go out of our way to create a personal connection and spend time talking to people on a personal level to combat the depersonalization effect. We may also call this a “What about me?” movement. Now, to some, this may seem selfish or even whining in nature. But if we think about why someone might leave a company, not knowing their path or options seems to rank high these days, which means they don’t feel they can talk to anyone about their goals, desires, aspirations, values, strengths, etc. Now, is the time for coaching and conversation.
Here are five things anyone can do, especially managers, to bring back a feeling of personalization.
Proactively reach out.
I think we used to take for granted we could just step into someone’s office or schedule time to grab a coffee. Although, hopefully, these activities are becoming a little more and more possible. I have taken for granted that reaching out with a little note or just checking in on how someone is doing can mean a lot. Recently, I sent a note to someone stating how much I appreciated her insights on a panel she spoke on. It took me five minutes to draft and send and that person felt heard and was very appreciative that someone took enough time to comment. I also sent a note to someone I had mentored a year ago to see how she was fairing in her new job. She was elated to hear from me and we have re-engaged in further conversation. It is easy to forget about people in today’s state. Schedule time occasionally to reach out to many people on our team, company, and network. A five-minute note can result in loads of good feelings.
Have a real conversation.
This one may be more for managers but the next time you have a one-on-one conversation with your team member, don’t just review the to-do list or the latest project. Turn on your camera if you are apart, even if they don’t want to, and ask real questions about how they are feeling with their workload, the type of work they are doing, how they are feeling about their job or future goals, and what you can do differently to help support them. We don’t always proactively ask questions of this nature outside of a performance review or if we suspect an issue. Have a real conversation about their life and goals. If they don’t want to engage, that is fine. But I suspect people want to have this conversation so start it or invite them to start it.
Offer coaching or advising.
There is no more personal type of connection or conversation than being in a coaching conversation. Many people shy away from giving feedback and engaging in conversations about what to continue or what to change to help someone’s performance or growth yet nothing is more personal than someone’s performance or career growth. Spending time on this makes someone feel important. Feedback and coaching do not just have to come from someone’s manager. Some of the best coachings I have received was from a peer. If you can proactively offer some insights to a team member or peer, do so. If you would like to know more about yourself and your performance, ask for feedback. I have asked for feedback plenty of times in my life. Soliciting feedback wasn’t just to hear accolades but I wanted to know how to get better. Providing feedback can create an environment of not only transparency and candor but also caring.
Welcome new joiners.
Here is my personal favorite. Imagine what it is like to join a new company or position in these times. Maybe you have done this in the last 18 months. Whether you are the new hire’s manager or colleague, make an effort to reach out to get to know them better. As a manager or close colleague, set frequent times to connect in their first few months. This is a very challenging time to start a new job and having little virtual connection can result in the new hire questioning their decision to join. Make more of an effort to connect frequently with newer people on the team to help them feel welcomed and that they matter.
Appreciate and recognize.
Not everyone likes to be recognized in the same way. Some like their names in lights while others prefer to stay in the background. However, everyone likes to hear good things and receive appreciation in some form for what they are doing every day. Ask your team and your peers how they like to be recognized and recognize them in that way. Just asking the question about how they would personally like to be recognized will help them feel seen and special.
There are certainly more actions we can take to help people feel appreciated, heard, and seen but these five can be implemented by anyone. So, next time a new hire joins your department, reach out. Next time you witness your team member or peer doing something amazing, reach out and say so. Next time you realize your one-on-ones revolve solely around the work and not around your team member, engage in a career or coaching conversation.
We all work too hard to not feel like someone notices and cares. Let’s shore each other up and stay connected!