When you are afraid of looking stupid: 5 tips to handle this situation
Last week, I wrote about helping your teams when they are overwhelmed. Stress seems to be making a comeback or, maybe, it never left. We are balancing people leaving, people checking out mentally but not leaving, people on edge, people uncertain again about what might happen within their organization or role.
In these times, I find honesty, transparency and being forthcoming can take a back seat. People keep their heads down and do their jobs or look for another one. In great times of stress, people are less likely to speak up or share a different viewpoint. The safety of their relationships may feel challenged. People may not want to say anything for fear of looking uninformed or even stupid.
I had a mentor a long ago tell me that the person who does the most talking is not necessarily the most informed or the smartest. I just read that Cisco is implementing tools in their WebEx platform to detect and flag those who maybe over-participate to ensure diversity of views and equal opportunity for participation. A very interesting concept!
When a leader dominates a conversation, it can be intimidating or logistically difficult to jump in…especially over a conference call without video because you miss those visual cues. How many of us have been in a meeting or conversation where you’re waiting for the person to take a breath so you can jump in because you have critical information to share? My hand is high in the air.
Sometimes, we don’t speak up because we don’t want to look foolish. Knowledge is power or so the saying goes. Today, access to knowledge and information is easier. You can study astrophysics on any online platform. You can a master a new language with several apps. You can learn how to use any technology system on YouTube. So, knowledge may not be as powerful as it once was. But we may still not know everything in a meeting at the time we are asked for it.
When we don’t know something for certain or want to ask a clarifying question, we may feel we will appear weak to do so. I used to have a manager who thought she explained everything clearly but I walked away very unclear of what she wanted almost every time. I felt I couldn’t say: “I don’t understand” over and over again. So, I asked someone else to interpret her direction. This proved to be ineffective because we were all guessing what she wanted.
It takes confidence and courage to say: “I don’t get it” or “I don’t know”, which is why we don’t always say it. We fake it ‘til we make it. I have written about that before. Why fake it when you can ask for clarification and guidance and get it right? Faking it may be an unnecessary risk.
More than ever, our world and circumstances are uncertain and unpredictable. Asking questions, stating you have to think about or look into something because you don’t know is not only permissible but should be expected and certainly not penalized.
I have struggled with this over my career. “Not knowing” not only made me feel inadequate but also fueled my anxiety. As anyone who has anxiety knows, we need input and information to feel better. However, ambiguity, uncertainty, and not knowing everything is baked into most of our lives today and needs to be accepted. Here are five tips I have used to get comfortable and avoid thinking I will look stupid in a given situation.
Apply a little tough love.
In these situations, you may need to accept it is all in your head. This is the tough love piece. Any time I have counseled someone on having confidence to speak up, it usually stems from them not thinking they are good enough, smart enough. If you think you’re not, others will too. It is best to take a breath and believe you are an expert in your area; you just don’t know the answer right now. As a manager myself, I would always be comfortable with: “I don’t know the answer. Let me think about it or research it and come back you.” I would not be comfortable with a made-up answer because you were too afraid of looking stupid. This will only come back to bite you. Accuracy matters.
Spend time preparing.
I know we have little time for preparing especially if we have schedules that have us clicking Teams links every half hour to join the next meeting. However, if you have a meeting about a project, idea or issue, do your homework ahead of time and try and come knowledgeable to the situation. Looking into data or reading a relevant article will only help you. It still may not ensure you know everything but preparation can make you feel more comfortable.
Set an example.
Pick a situation and be the first one to say you don’t understand something. If you have a question or don’t get it, I can almost guarantee you others feel the same. Saying “I don’t get it” takes courage. Be the first one. You won’t regret setting the example. In fact, you may have others come to you after the meeting to say thank you for speaking up. I have been on the receiving end of that compliment and the one giving it. The beauty of being on a team is that we all have different perspectives, experiences and information. If someone is talking as if you should know something and don’t, ask them to pause to clarify. I find this happens all the time. People forget who was in what meeting. They may innocently presume you know what they are talking about. It is more than okay to say: “I wasn’t in that meeting. Can you give me a little more context?” If you don’t speak up, they will never know and continue to assume you are as informed as them.
Share feedback.
If someone, like the leader I referenced above, always seems to talk passed you and you have a hard time understanding, you may need to give feedback up. This can be uncomfortable but leaders don’t like surprises and don’t like people spending time and money on guessing what we need. Share feedback that you need more details around a problem or desired solution before you can take action. Just be prepared to give specifics. People who talk in generalities or in vague terms may not know how to give you more of what you need. You will need to give them details on how to make a change. Be professional and specific.
Be confident.
Take some solace in the fact that you are an expert and know your stuff. Just because you don’t understand what someone says does not mean you are stupid. If you approach the situation with confidence and ask your questions or say you need to research something, say it with confidence. Don’t be defensive, emotional, or sheepish. State this matter of fact. Think of someone you respect. Does that person have all the answers? You might think they do but I bet they don’t. They exude confidence in their responses. My respect deepens when someone says: “I need to check with my team to get the best answer.” That is a sign of a good leader.
Not everyone struggles with this. I recognize that many of us do this all the time and never give it a second thought. I find with people newer to the workforce, they think they should not push back and have all the answers. That is simply not true. It is always better to get clarification than to just act. If you think your leader doesn’t like checking questions, they will like getting the solution wrong even less. So, have confidence in your abilities, know that others are also unclear and ask your questions or ask to come back with the answer. You will be respected for it.