When you disagree at work: 7 ways to do this respectfully

It can be scary, uncomfortable, annoying, or downright stressful — when you disagree with someone at work. It feels great to be clicking with someone, agreeing on every point, and being on the same page. But is this really the best situation? For our nerves and our conflict-adverse selves, it is fantastic. We probably should disagree more for the best ideas, robust implications-thinking, and diverse perspectives.

We are in this new place where we have been through so much that we want to avoid conflict and disagreement at all costs. We have been on the roller coaster for so long that we want some time sitting still on the park bench without twists, turns, or sudden drops.

It is nice to agree with someone. We get tremendous validation when someone agrees with our point of view. This happens often, and it isn’t always a bad thing, of course. It can be efficient and even inspiring to work on a project or effort when everyone agrees on what we are doing and how we should do it without any bumps.

There is great value in debate, however. It can be healthy to disagree about the direction we are headed to ensure we are focusing on the best outcomes for the business, the team, and the community. After a healthy discussion, we must get on the same page about the why and the what. When there is continued disagreement with why we are doing what we are doing, this can be very disruptive, and we won’t have the hearts and minds of people to take meaningful steps forward.

I have seen a heightened sense of defensiveness when someone disagrees. It also seems like disagreement has been labeled rude or distasteful, or we label the dissenter as negative, a troublemaker, or disengaged. We need to flip our thinking. Someone who disagrees is not necessarily negative. They have different perspectives; they may need to express this better, but disagreement is not negative until itself. 

I think we have lost the art of disagreement. It either escalates quickly, or people nod their heads to avoid any possible conflict. We need to embrace disagreement again. I have disagreed many times in my career with my peers, my boss, and my leadership. 

Of course, we need to pick the hills we are willing to die on, but there are times it is worth speaking up. We shouldn’t stay silent simply because it is easier. We are on the payroll for our brains, experiences, talents, and perspectives. We should not avoid sharing those because it might feel uncomfortable.

Here are seven ways to disagree respectfully:

1. Pick your battles. 

I think disagreeing is healthy. We can’t all possibly agree on absolutely everything. But, you can get the label of being negative or difficult if you disagree with every decision or direction. As a manager, having a team member who always pushes back can be exhausting. Choose the critical areas to ask questions, ask to rethink the direction, and collaborate on a better solution. Always disagreeing undermines your credibility. Be picky as to when you challenge.

2. Stick to the facts. 

Disagreeing with an idea is not taking issue with the person. We often conflate disagreement and kindness. However, disagreeing can quickly become unkind if we make it personal. It can be tough to see that a decision that doesn’t go your way may not be personal. To disagree healthily, leave the “You” statements at the door and focus on the facts, situation, outcomes, or approaches. Bring data to support your argument. This tactic can also ensure the disagreement is not personal.

3. Avoid being emotional.

We may feel passionate about our point of view depending on the disagreement. When I am passionate about something, the volume of my voice goes way up. I have a naturally loud voice, so people may think that I am getting too involved or wrapped up in my opinion. We can minimize our emotions if we keep focused on the “thing” we are debating. I once had a colleague say she would quit if we didn’t approach a project her way. She said she felt that strongly about her opinion. We moved forward on the project the way the team thought we should, which was not her way. She didn’t quit, but she actively disengaged and spread rumors about the team across the company. This only made her look unprofessional; unfortunately, no one wanted to work with her. 

4. Leave lectures for the classroom. 

No one likes to be lectured. If you strongly disagree, make a solid argument and avoid standing on your soapbox. Also, be careful of the statement that we tried this once, and it didn’t work. Challenge yourself to think if the situation, circumstance, leadership, culture, systems, etc., were all the same when you tried this approach the last time. If not, it could be worth a second try.

5. Be direct and kind. 

Early in my management days, I had an employee who would clam up and refuse to say anything when she disagreed with me. She would also tell others how she disagreed with me but never told me to my face. If you disagree, have the courage to present your point of view. This will get more respect than clamming up and gossiping with others. Just like with feedback, you can be direct and kind simultaneously. Focus on your point of view as it relates to the decision, direction, or approach. Remember: A question is better received than a statement. A statement acknowledging someone’s point of view first is better than dictating.

6. Have a mindset of learning and inclusion.

We should approach disagreeing not as a stressful, adversarial situation but as one of learning and inclusion. We disagree not to be difficult or create bad feelings but to learn from one another and include different perspectives. Most of us would agree (I think 🙂) that we don’t have all the answers by ourselves. I have countless examples of better ideas, risk mitigation, or change management because a diverse group of people thinks through implications and outcomes. Working through a solid debate can also make the team stronger. Working through a bit of adversity can help people become stronger and closer.

7. Let it go.

Finally, if you disagree respectfully and end up not winning the argument, do yourself a favor and let it go. Don’t be like my team member in point #3. Don’t carry it around and let it darken your day or your career with an organization. Let decisions be made and help make them come to fruition. Don’t keep revisiting the decision unless there is new evidence to open it back up.

As a younger professional, I struggled with when to speak up if I disagreed and when to stay silent. I saw too many times how passive-aggressive people could be. One of my colleagues would agree with the boss in a team meeting, but when the boss left, he would turn to everyone and express how much he disagreed with the approach. I asked him why he didn’t just say so in the meeting when our boss was present. I was told I was naive and didn’t understand politics.

There are politics, personalities, and egos. However, I have found in my career that I earn more respect when I speak up, ask questions, and challenge others in a non-threatening way about why we are doing what we are doing. Don’t shrink. Don’t stay silent. We need to bring back the art of respectful disagreement. We have big problems to solve, and it will take all of us sharing, discussing, debating, and even disagreeing to solve them.