When you feel like you’ve failed: 4 things to keep in mind

Sometimes things don't go as planned. Raise your hand if that has ever happened. Yeah…there are days where that feels like all the time. Sometimes external factors come up and derail what we wanted to do or were trying to do. Occasionally, we didn't account for something or think of an implication. We are human, after all, and it can be challenging to think of every possible scenario.

I consider myself a master scenario spinner. I usually drive my husband nuts with this ability, but no matter how many moves you see on the chessboard, sometimes, you don't win. Or, and this one my husband simply adores, you change your mind. You strive for something and then realize it may not be what you want, it may not be worth the effort or sacrifice, or it may just be unattainable at this time.

As I have learned over time, the fear of failure can be one of the most paralyzing fears. Unfortunately, this fear has kept me from doing several things I wanted to do in my life. And, perhaps, it still does. I know others who share the same fear. 

The saying that not trying leads to more than regret than trying and failing couldn't be more accurate. I will admit that I don't believe in regret because all that does is hurt the one experiencing regret. However, if I had any thoughts of regret, it was for the things I didn't even try to do. I didn't regret those things I tried but couldn't get to work. I may have lessons learned from those experiences, and learning is the best side effect of failure. You can then apply those lessons to something else you attempt to do. This is how we get wiser, develop skills, and build character.

I have written about legacy in the past as well. One exercise I do every year is to think about when I am 80 and what I will look back on with great pride. One sentiment I try to hold onto is that I never want to look back and say: "I wish I would have…" "Why didn't I try…" "It could have been great if…" These are not the thoughts I want to have. I would rather say: "Well, I tried x, and it didn't work, but I did all I could."

Failure is also is subjective. What might constitute failure for one person is successful for another. It can be all about mindset. One time in my career, well, more than once, I made a pitch to double the size of my team. I didn't win that argument, but I did get approval to hire two project managers, not the 4-person team I wanted. I thought this was a failure of my objective, while my peer was astonished I got any new headcount given the company's circumstances. This person told me not to be silly and chalk this up as a win.

Those of us who hold ourselves to high standards (some would say impossible) may view things as failing more than succeeding. But, I have learned that it isn't that black and white. There isn't just success or failure; there are many shades along that spectrum, and as long as we learn and make progress, we are successful on some level.

Here are the four items I think about when I think about failure or failing.

1. Accept it will happen. 

We must let go of this notion of perfectionism. No one is perfect. No one hits every pitch. No one wins every argument. I love that quip that an actor's overnight success took 20 years. Very true. Failing at something will happen, how we prepare for it and handle it defines where we go next. If we have this expectation that it could happen, we should be less disappointed and focus more on moving forward than getting stuck.

2. Success and failure are the same path.

This sentiment is something that took me years to understand and truly accept. To be successful, we will also fail along the way. Back to the 20-year overnight success, you can have many attempts at something and not get it quite right. I often think of an inventor in this context, but it applies to anyone in business or with any organization. The road to success is rarely a straight, smooth line. Much like careers, they are windy, up and down, forward and back, to get to the finish line.

3. Celebrate effort, not just results.

Celebration is something we seem to skip a lot, but I love the concept of celebrating effort and not just the results. I had a manager once who celebrated every lesson we learned. This was awesome. Now, we weren't looking to make mistakes only to have our lessons celebrated, but when we did stumble, we knew we were being just as productive and rewarded as when we succeeded on the first try. If you do cross a milestone, even if not deemed a success, take a break and acknolwedge how far you have come.

4. Failure or setback does not define you.

This is the most important tenet to keep in mind. If you do fail, this is not who you are. We are not defined by what we do or don’t do necessarily; we are not defined by our job title, salary, or other measures of commerical success. We are more defined by how we show up, treat people, and act. Allow the journey to define you more than the perceived prize at the end.

I have struggled with having a relationship with failure my whole life. It is not only a natural course of life, but imperative to realize any success. They are two sides of the same coin. It is tough to have one without the other. We are the ones that need to get tougher to take it in stride, learn and try again.

Remember your 80-year-old self. Let's not regret not taking that chance on something big. Take the journey in chunks, celebrate steps, even if backward, and try.