When you find yourself in a defensive position: 5 ways to adjust on the spot
One of the hardest and most dynamic aspects to manage in a work environment is…people. Yeah. What an obvious statement! All organizations are made up of people unless you work in a robot-only company. (I don’t think we live in The Matrix yet but we may be closer than we think!)
Everyone has a personality, disposition, communication style, hot buttons, and moods. One of our biggest quests is to discover all of this about the people we work with, report to, engage and persuade and try to position and balance our message and style with theirs.
This is not easy. I have had smooth times and truly difficult times figuring out a person’s style and how to work around or in concert with that style. I have had leaders who said “yes” to everything requested, which put me and the team in a tough position to take on more work than 40 hours a week could accommodate. I have had leaders who were flip-floppers. They would change their opinion based on who was in front of them arguing their point at the time.
One leader was always a protector. The problem was she protected us so much that we never had any exposure to senior leadership. She wanted to spare us any adverse interactions so we stayed in the background and never grew. The intention was good but the result was not. I have had leaders who were just plain mean. They were never in a good mood and seemed miserable. That misery flowed into everyone’s lives who came into contact with them. You may know someone like this. I hope not but those people exist.
Then, I have had leaders who were positive but firm, challenging but supportive, questioning but not interrogating. I expect leaders to ask me tough questions and challenge my thinking but also be open to new ideas and supportive of me taking risks that are within reason. I thrive under that type of leadership style.
Everyone has a bad day. If you are a manager or leader, I urge you to think about how your disposition, style, and mood affect others. In my personal life, if I have a bad workday, my husband will remind me that “my mood affects the household.” He is right. Of course, it does. We reflect other people. Our moods can radiate to others and affect others’ moods very easily. We think we are the ones who had the bad day but if you complain and gripe to others too much, they may also have a bad day as result.
How someone responds to us, questions us, and motivates (or demotivates) us affect how we respond, how we think about ourselves, and how the rest of our day goes. We should have thick skin and not let every little thing bother us. But when we run up against a terrible meeting or exchange, it can be tough to just shrug that off.
An exchange takes two or more people. So, if the leader can think about the ramifications of their mood and the other person can have thick skin, everyone would simply feel better and remain motivated to do their best. In our current environment, I have seen a bit of a decline in interpersonal communication skills. Maybe it is because we are all hiding behind computer screens but we may need to get back to basics on these skills.
That said, when leaders attack, complain, or back people into corners, it is very difficult to not feel on the defensive if not completely deflated. So, what do you do when you are meeting with someone and all you feel is put on the defensive or under attack?
Resist the urge to be defensive.
Another obvious one but sometimes we may feel put on the defensive if we are just simply being questioned. But, if someone is attacking, they are putting you on the defensive. The important thing is to not attack back. We are human so this can be tough. We can be put into a fight or flight mode when under attack. This is human nature. For those of us who fight (me!), resist the urge to be nasty, condescending, or flippant in response. This will only pour gasoline on the fire and turn a bad situation into a worse one.
Don’t shrink.
For those of us who prefer to fly out of a conflict, don’t go there immediately. This will be very difficult for those who are conflict-adverse, but just because a leader backs you into a corner doesn't mean you cannot re-state your purpose or solution or make your case. Do so professionally but don’t be steamrolled. For those leaders who tend to attack, I have found they respect people more for not being flattened by them but if you hold your ground. Early in my career, a sales leader was one of my biggest stakeholders and he was very challenging. Every meeting seemed to go sideways and I always felt like I was being yelled at. I shrank and said whatever he wanted. One day, I changed my approach and pushed back on him. He said that was great. He loved a good debate. Really? I have learned that even if someone acts like a bully, they don’t always want you to acquiesce.
Turn the mood, if you can.
I find humor when delivered correctly, or some other story or quip can help ease tension. Another strategy is to speak up and politely guide the conversation back to the topic for discussion. I have said something like: “I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.” Or, “I would like to steer us back to the solution as I value your opinion.” You need to choose the right words to not appear defensive but to politely get out of the corner and into a more productive conversation.
Smile and breathe.
Even if the leader isn’t smiling, I will. As silly as it sounds, smiling can help diffuse all sorts of situations. If you are being attacked and you wear a scowl on your face, that will only keep things in a negative direction. If you take a breath, smile, and turn the mood or stand your ground, trust me that it will get better. It is so hard to be mean or angry at someone when they are smiling or have a pleasant expression on their face. Do you ever notice that? If you don’t, pay attention next time to how people look. If the conversation is over the phone only, that could be part of the problem. No one can read body language. Negative moods can spread fast; positive ones can too.
Re-schedule.
If nothing works and the leader is just not in a good place for whatever reason, I have offered to re-schedule the meeting. Now, the danger here is being condescending. You don’t want to say: “I see you’re having a bad day; perhaps we should re-schedule.” Ugh…nope. I had someone say that once to our common leader and she exploded. That type of phrase may set someone off so be careful. You can, however, say: “I see we may be in disagreement. Can I provide more facts for you? Can I do more research and come back?” Make it factual and about the topic, not the person. Stay clear of any personal statements.
This is a tough situation and one I don’t see written about a lot. Every leader should be a good one; every professional should be easy-going. This is simply not the case. We are different and carry with us baggage from all over. We should all keep in mind how contagious our mood is and resist the urge to be negative and go on the attack. If we find ourselves on the receiving end, breathe, smile, stand firm, be professional, and punt or re-schedule if necessary to get out of the trap.