When you have conflict with someone else: 7 things you should NOT do
Conflict is sticky and icky. Because our workplaces (and our homes) are made up of people, we will always have conflict. Conflict can arise from many different situations, such as being left off a meeting, having decisions made without our input, having a project or problem assigned to someone else, having our toes stepped on by someone being too domineering, being controlled by someone else, being ignored, being condescended to, etc.
Conflict should not be confused with disagreement. People can disagree without it being a "conflict-filled" situation. However, sometimes we view disagreement as conflict and can make it bigger than it is. I caution us on that scenario. Disagreement, when done respectfully, can be very productive and help make our workplaces and decisions the best they can be while considering and balancing diverse opinions.
I am sure we all have our favorite conflict story. Mine was early in my career and unnerving. I once had a leader who yelled. It wasn't personal as he screamed and swore at everyone. However, at the time, I would take it personally and let it ruin my day. I simply did not know what to do so I turned to a trusted colleague to help me.
Unfortunately, instead of helping me sort it out, this person shared my concerns with the leader directly without my knowledge or consent and put me in a really tough position. The leader pulled me aside one day to confront me with my concerns. I was even more horrified and shaken. However, the silver lining was I was forced to share the facts from my perspective, and how he made me feel, and we discussed how to rectify this going forward. The leader actually listened to me after asking me to speak up.
There were a whole lot of things done incorrectly in that situation by my trusted advisor, the leader, and me, but it did teach me to come up with a plan, be more precise in the advice I am seeking, and be prepared to handle the conflict once someone else knows about it.
We can learn a lot through experiencing conflict, feeling discomfort, and being put on the hot seat. While most of us would like to avoid these situations, they happen. And, if we have the right mindset, we can turn unease into great learning and relationship-building.
Here are my 7 "don'ts" for managing conflict with another person in the workplace. Of course, this can be applied to personal relationships...after all, people are people.
Don't share with others.
As tempting as it is to share the issue with someone(s) else, don't. The only time this is okay is when you seek advice from a trusted advisor on handling the problem. Just remember to be specific in the kind of help you are asking for. Otherwise, don't add to gossip or fuel rumors. Keep it to yourself and plan how you will handle it.
Don't delay in addressing the problem.
Some of us would prefer a root canal over facing someone we are in conflict with. It is uncomfortable and can be awkward. I totally get it. However, the longer you delay in addressing the problem, the worse it can get. Waiting for the other person to come to you is also not the right answer. Most of the time, conflict can be relatively small; time unaddressed can make it bigger.
Don't think the worst.
Where are my catastrophizers out there? Yeah...that includes me. Catastrophizing is a lovely term I have learned and adopted that refers to thinking the worst of something or somebody. We think the absolute worst thing can happen; in other words, we see every possible result as catastrophic. Many of us have vivid imaginations that can conjure pretty bad results. Take a breath and think positively.
Don't "discuss" over email.
Even though convenient and seemingly less confrontational, do not try and resolve the conflict over email. I have done this a few times, and it only creates more angst and causes more confusion. Tone is difficult to communicate through email. And, if you are emailing someone who is also a catastrophizer, well, then the situation could get worse. Conflict needs to be addressed live somehow to ensure mutual understanding of the issue and the resolution.
Don't beat around the bush.
The best way to handle conflict is to address it head-on with facts, how something made you feel, and a possible solution for going forward. Because it is challenging and awkward, many of us "um" and "er" our way through long, winding stories that take away from what we are trying to pinpoint and resolve. If it helps, write out what you want to say first and review it.
Don't become emotional.
Conflict can be small or huge, and if we catastrophize (think the worst) or fortune-tell (my other new favorite phrase, i.e., think we can predict exactly what is going to happen), we can make it bigger in our heads than what it probably is. This will lead to lots of emotions — frustration, anger, depression, disengagement, and more. We need to not fortune-tell or catastrophize, stick to the facts, relay how that made us feel, and communicate clearly.
Don't shut the other person out.
The most important part of resolving conflict is to have a conversation over the phone, a web meeting, or in person, live somehow. Even more important is to share your facts, thoughts, and feelings but also ask them what they think and how they feel. Then, ask what you both can do to move forward. Conflict takes two. I will guarantee that two people do not view the situation the exact same way so uncovering the truth from both sides is key to resolution.
Conflict, when more than a disagreement, can be awkward, uncomfortable, and even paralyzing. Coming up with a plan, seeking advice from a trusted advisor, and following the seven "don'ts" above can help keep it professional and positive.
Next week, we tackle what managers can do when their team members are in conflict.