When you think you are being excluded: 5 thoughts to mull over first
It happens to the best of us. We are left off an email. We are excluded from a meeting. We are the last to know Bob in Finance is leaving the organization. We may feel like we aren't in the inner circle.
As humans, we struggle with being left out. We all want to be in the know. Knowledge is power, but it is more than that. Part of this feeling includes a sense of belonging. When you are well informed, you feel like you are part of the team and trusted. Let alone you feel invested in and equipped to do your job.
We crave that sense of belonging. "Belongingness" refers to a human emotional need to affiliate with and be accepted by members of a group. There are many ways to achieve this sense of belonging, which will be the focus of next week's blog. But, when we feel excluded, not part of the group, what do we do?
Were you ever the last one to be picked for the dodgeball team? I was. My talents were dancing and singing and not pegging people with a ball. Even though I wasn't an athlete, it still hurt to be picked last. I still get a little stung if I am the last the know about a critical piece of information at work.
One of my colleagues struggled with this immensely. She wanted to be a part of a huge new project at work but wasn't picked to join the team. She got so offended by this exclusion that she quit. I had another colleague asked to be in charge of a new internal communication strategy, but she found that the leaders were having strategy meetings without her, so….she quit.
Quitting is undoubtedly a response to feeling excluded, but both women came to me asking for advice after they left their jobs. In both situations, I asked one simple question: "What did your boss say when you asked her why weren't you included?"
I received two blank stares. "So, did you ever ask what happened or why?" "No," they both said. Hmmm…
I have known many people who turned into Yosemite Sam from the Looney Tunes and got root-tooting mad when they felt slighted and excluded at work. If you don't know who Sam is, google him. You will get the picture. In my youth, I would get this way. I should have been included and would get personally offended when I wasn't.
I had a mentor who used to tell me to cool my jets and think about what other reasons there could be for excluding me. He asked me to list possible reasons for excluding me that had nothing to do with me. I listed several: "Maybe they just didn't think about it." "Ah…so people forget and make mistakes," he said. Yes, yes…they do. :-)
We are so busy these days that we are becoming forgetful. We are all juggling more than ever, and keeping every detail straight is getting harder. We have a meeting with someone over Zoom and work out the problem when perhaps two others should have been included. In these times of remote work, we need to be more intentional about who we are including to prevent this feeling of exclusion and wanting to quit.
As we will talk about inclusion next week, here are five things to think and do if you are excluded or feel slighted.
1. Assume good intent
My mentor walked me through that exercise of thinking about all the possible reasons for excluding me. I might add that this is one of the best exercises for a young professional with guns blazing. He also taught me always to assume good intent. I still have this written down next to me as I work every day. This mindset applies to everyday life, but we will be more understanding if we approach just about any situation with this thought. I would venture to say that 99.99% of the time, people have good intentions, not malicious ones.
2. Ask questions
In my example above, my two colleagues quit when they felt they were left off the team. Neither one of them ever asked why or what happened. If you are being excluded, the first thing to do after assuming good intent is to ask why you were left off the meeting. Again, nine times out of ten, I bet you hear: "It was a total oversight on my behalf." You might hear a different reason, like they were discussing confidential information; they wanted to discuss options first and bring you in later for a consult. There are many reasons why this can happen. Don't be shy about seeking the why.
3. Ask for feedback
If you were excluded for a reason that isn't satisfactory, then ask for feedback. Ask about what skills or knowledge you need to acquire or improve to be included next time. Ask what you can do to show you are capable of contributing more. Sometimes, people don't know how badly you want to be included, so be straightforward and state your intentions.
4. Give feedback
I also think it is appropriate to give feedback as well. In the case of my colleague who thought she was in charge of the strategy, I would have guided her to say something like: "It was my understanding I was asked to lead the internal communications strategy. When meetings occur on this topic without my presence, I feel left out and hamstrung to do my job effectively." Then, be quiet and see what the person has to say. I suspect you will cause them to pause and make a different decision next time.
5. Create a RACI
The best way to combat forgetfulness? Write it down! If nine times out of ten, a person can get excluded because of an oversight, then document who needs to be in the room where it happens (I can't resist a good Hamilton reference). Every project should start with a good charter and a RACI chart — a document that lists those who are Responsible, Accountable, Consulted, and Informed. If someone is anything more than Informed, which includes Responsible, Accountable, and Consulted, chances are they need to be included in a meeting and emails. So, write it down and be over-inclusive.
It is easy to forget to include someone. It becomes more challenging if we don't see someone every day except over Zoom. But, the RACI chart will help you proactively identify those who should be involved. If you are excluded, assume good intent, ask questions and engage in an honest conversation. Don't just quit. That might be the easy resolution, but I suspect the person who excluded you needs to know you want to be included and why you should be in the know.