When you want more respect: 7 things NOT to do
I would venture to say that people are a bit cranky today. This includes me, by the way; just ask my husband. I can't put my finger on what is going on. Some days are glorious; some are just not good days. When I interact with people, people usually put on a brave face and smile, but I notice a bit more snippiness in the air.
After traveling recently, I had a sinus infection, so I had to drag myself to the doctor and the pharmacy. When I showed up at the pharmacy, a woman yelled at the pharmacist behind the counter why her prescription wasn't ready. The answer? "Ma'am, we are short-staffed and appreciate your patience."
I get it. I always greet people with an understanding look when they say they are short-staffed. I think about the impact on the people working — that must be exhausting. I get the woman yelling probably had a troubling situation picking up someone's meds. Perhaps she had a bad day or bad news; perhaps, there is a stressful situation at home. It is so easy to take out our daily troubles on someone else. Sometimes, that person is the closest to us; sometimes, it is the overworked, overstretched pharmacist.
I have had a few people lately in my network reach out about situations where they didn't feel respected. They were either yelled at, scolded, or ignored in some instances. They were interrupted, steamrolled, or circumvented. This happens. Since we are human, we do "human" things driven by emotion, ego, or just being in a hurry.
None of this excuses the behavior, of course. But it got me thinking about showing respect and what that means. Then, I started to think about how we earn respect. Should respect be given based on one's title, experience, and credentials? I have more years of experience than two dozen doughnuts (mmm….doughnuts), but should that mean that I command respect instantly? And what if I don't act respectfully? It is a two-street, after all.
I have had the chance to mentor several younger professionals in my career, and respect has cropped up a few times. As some of us may have experienced, we sometimes don't feel respected when we are relatively new to the workforce, new to a role, or new to a company. I believe we should always be respectful and take the high road even when others don't. However, there are things we can do to influence whether or not we are respected.
Here are seven things I recommend you DON'T do if you want to be respected. These apply to anyone, at any level, in any situation.
Don't be mean.
Ok. This may be an obvious one, but I have witnessed people being mean or, rather, not kind more than once. Take the woman to the pharmacy. Even if she was stressed, there was no need to yell and be unkind to the pharmacist, who was doing the best job she could for the customer. Most people are not mean or unkind, but unkind behavior can happen through an eye-roll, a snarky comment, or being too direct or negative in giving feedback. Be conscious of your words, your facial expressions, and the reaction you get you your interactions. Read your audience. Be patient and kind.
Don't multitask.
Building off the above, one of my pet peeves is people checking emails or looking at their phones when I am trying to converse with them. I get it. We are all busy. If there is an emergency and you need to be glued to your phone, tell me that is the situation. Set the expectation with me upfront. Or, maybe it is just simply a bad time. I understand; let's reschedule then. If you want respect, give others respect by giving them your attention. Nothing makes someone feel more respected than being listened to.
Don't steamroll or ignore.
Like some of my colleagues said last week, we should focus on being inclusive and not exclusive. Ignoring someone, not inviting someone to a meeting, or tuning them out does not demonstrate respect. Related, steamrolling someone, talking over them, or not allowing someone to get a word in edgewise also minimizes their role and purpose. Try to resist that urge. Give people space to talk, comment and reply.
Don't make excuses.
Have you ever worked with someone or managed someone who felt everything was always someone else's fault? Being respectful also means taking responsibility for your actions and the outcomes of those actions. If you are late with a deadline, communicate in advance that you need more time. If you can't make a meeting, be open about it. If the quality of something isn't where you want it to be, ask for more time or resources. Or, be honest about what else needs to be done to get it to the level you want. Don't blame others when something doesn't go to plan. Pointing fingers is a bit childish, in my opinion. Identify the problem and why it happened but move quickly to how we will solve it.
Don't shirk responsibility.
Related to the above, don't delegate work and disappear. I had a former manager who asked me to do everything early in my career. On the one hand, I got a lot of experience. On the other, I was stuck at the office until 6 pm while he left at 4:30 pm every day to go home. That seemed unfair to me; it seemed out of balance. I lost respect for him quickly because he wasn't working as hard as me.
Don't hold grudges.
It has always amazed me that I have seen some severe grudge-holding at the top of certain companies. I have experienced more than once being told not to invite two leaders to the same meeting because they can't stand each other. Really? I have also witnessed people not being promoted or sentenced to a meaningless job because they rubbed someone the wrong way. Again, we are human, and humans can do silly things driven by emotion, ego, time, and status. Holding grudges only hurts the person holding them. They lead to significant anxiety and stress and take up too much energy to keep them. It is better to let it go.
Don't be stubborn.
My favorite. I will admit that I can get stubborn from time to time if I think I am 100% right. However, as experience has taught me, it is better to listen, be open-minded and find a compromise to move forward, as that is the respectful thing to do. Being stubborn, unwilling to listen, and unwilling to change will only lead to bad feelings and disrespect. I know some leaders who feel that they always have to be right. The best leaders ask questions, lean on their advisors and managers, and are open to changing directions and perspectives based on new information and others' perspectives.
Respect is a tricky thing. Whether you think it should be earned or you think it should be assumed, we can still act in specific ways that are more respectful so we, in turn, receive respect. Don't fall into these traps at work or home. We all could take a breath and be mindful of these traps to create a more respectful environment.