When you want to be fulfilled Part One: 7 easy actions to create civility
I did something I haven't done in a long time...skip a week writing this blog. Normally, I pre-write for the week or pull something out of the vault to share, so I don't miss a week. Well, that did not happen last week. My husband and I were traveling, and it didn't make it to the top of the list, given all we had to do.
How many of you have had something like this happen? Sometimes you can only cross off some of your to-dos when you want. I fretted about it for a bit but then decided I needed to have some grace with myself for not being able to squeeze everything in.
Two weeks ago, I wrote about stumbling upon my "2011 formula" for finding fulfillment on the job: Civility, Trust, Safety, Connection, and Impact. Today's focus is on number one: Civility. We can interpret civility in many ways, like most words or sentiments. When I thought about civility, it conjured several facets: respect, appreciation, consideration, and no drama!
To be civil doesn't mean everyone has to like each other. You can dislike being around someone and still be civil; that is considerate, appreciative, and respectful. No doubt this is harder with someone you don't care for, but it is an attitude we can control.
I don't mean to be cynical, but I am seeing a diminishing focus on civility. In our quest for authenticity and transparency, which are noble intentions, we may sometimes be too harsh or abrasive. We can also get in bad moods; when I am in a bad mood, I try to keep it to myself and not take it out on others. To be civil means to disagree without disdain or show some consideration even if someone isn't being considerate to you. I believe in taking the high road.
Some people in my circle think you should get what you dish out. I understand that perspective. But I genuinely believe in the adage: "You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar." I may not always be sunshine and honey myself, but I believe in the honey principle. If we were more civil in society, we would all feel a little better and less stressed.
In the workplace, feeling good about yourself, your job, or your contribution is difficult without experiencing respect, consideration, and appreciation for who you are and what you do.
I recently wrote about respect in the workplace and have written on recognition. But, I have yet to talk about basic consideration. Consideration means acting kind, for sure, but also allowing someone else to speak, allowing someone to share ideas, and allowing someone to try something out that you might even disagree with. Unless the consequence is terrible, we need to enable people to try.
My favorite facet of civility is the absence of drama. Very little drama manifests when people are respectful, considerate, and appreciative. When people are grouchy, combative, and bulldozing, drama ensues! Now, some people thrive on drama. You know who I am talking about in your own lives. They can't wait for a scandal so they can gossip and see what happens next.
For me, to have a civil workplace means one void of drama. Everyone has enough natural drama for work to be the next edition of Real Housewives, The Bachelor, or Below Deck (I am told this is a juicy reality TV show). I know a lot of professionals who love these shows and deem them their "guilty pleasure." That's cool. I don't want this level of drama at work.
Civility is a basic human need before we can find ourselves on the way to fulfillment in our work. Without it, we are robbed of a safe, enjoyable environment to work in, which is genuinely base camp on the climb to being fulfilled. So, what are some easy ways we can demonstrate civility? Here are my top seven:
Listen.
For those who read my blogs often, you know this is in almost every list. The easiest way to show consideration is to stop talking and give someone else a turn.
Say Thank You.
Another obvious one, but sometimes missed. Appreciation can mean gifts, flowers, or a raise, but it can also mean a thank-you email for a job well done. Thank you for sticking with us. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing feedback. Thank you for being resilient in tough times. I can think of a million actions or attitudes to thank someone for...we should say this more often.
Take a chance.
I mentioned this above, but allow someone to run with a project if the consequence of failing is manageable. Give someone a chance to stretch and lead. You might be surprised by the result.
Have empathy.
We focus a lot on this concept today, but when I mention empathy to someone, I mean to put yourself in that person's shoes. I don't mean sympathy or apologizing all the time. Walking around in someone else's shoes can be challenging. But sit still for a few minutes and try to imagine. You may not be able to relate entirely but think of 1-3 things that could be going on for someone at home, in their job, or with their family.
Be mindful of differences.
Related to empathy, I am finding more and more that not only are we diverse in gender, race, and nationalities, but we are also different in our age. At no time have so many generations been in the workplace at one time in our history. Someone who is 67 has very different perspectives than someone who is 23. There is no right or wrong, just different. If we can practice empathy and educate ourselves on these differences, we have a better chance of being civil.
Remove yourself from drama.
If you find yourself in a gossip fest, leave. If someone wants to rip on someone, re-direct the conversation. We all need a confidant at work to who we can vent, but refrain from doing this with many people. This type of drama will only fuel an unhealthy attitude or culture. It is a quick way to lead to a toxic environment.
Don't say anything.
Along with flies and honey, I also subscribe to the saying: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Holding your tongue is also challenging, especially if you have an opinion. I am rarely caught without one. Stopping myself and closing my mouth is a lifelong practice, but one can master this to be civil.
Many of you may tell me you practice these simple acts of kindness daily. If so, that is a relief. If we can all practice this list, our workplaces will be more positive and supportive, which will help your team members feel fulfilled. Next week, we explore trust.