When you want to be "happy": 4 things to do to ensure alignment
I am going out on a limb this week to talk about something that I have a checkered past with ... happiness. I admit, I wasn't going to write about this today. I had on my list to write about defining your career direction, which will be a future post, but this post poured out of me, and I hope you find some benefit from it.
Happiness can be slippery. There are so many books, podcasts, and ideas out there about how to be happy. Entire service businesses have been created to address this notion of being happy.
So, what is happiness? What does that look like and not look like? And, why have we spent so much of our time and effort chasing happiness?
For me, the answer is simple. It is all about alignment and resulting peace. When I felt "unhappy", there were several things not in sync. I was in a bad marriage, I did not feel I was making an impact through my job, and I lost my direction. These three huge pieces of my life were driving a loss of me ... I lost my identity. I didn't know who I was, what I stood for, and what my purpose was. This manifested into major trouble sleeping, a loss of motivation to exercise, eating comfort food whenever I wanted, and isolating myself from others.
It took me finding the courage to go talk to someone to break this unfortunate spiral. I am very pleased that finding a counselor is not stigmatized these days and we openly encourage people to seek help when they need it. I needed it. It was the single best decision I ever made in my life.
My counselor has since retired, but she helped me see through the overwhelming wall of undefined stress, ambiguity, and abuse in my life. She gave me definitions to use to name the actions and behaviors in my life that allowed me to see them for what they were. She permitted me to make different choices and take control of my life. It is, after all, the only life I have.
Change did not happen overnight, but I had a fresh lens to look at my life and the pieces that comprised it. I made tough decisions, but not all at once. The first was divorce, followed by a career change back to what I love to do -- developing people, followed by tons of work on self-reflection and seeking alternate perspectives to challenge my inner voice (not always my best advocate).
This lens led me to write a book, write my blog for over 3 years running, do more speaking, be a guest on several podcasts, find my current husband, and make the scary but exciting decision to hang my own shingle to focus on culture, learning and engagement, change, and manager effectiveness.
Happiness, for me, is when things in your life line up to support your values and purpose. These things include family, friends, volunteering, job/career, church/synagogue/temple, and community. Another counselor said to me once: "My daily goal is when I lay my head on the pillow each night that I have done my best at what I want to be doing." It can take a lot of effort, and it starts with self-reflection about what matters to you.
Here are four actions I recommend to ensure you are aligned and at peace ... happy.
Take stock.
Happiness/Peace/Alignment all starts with thinking about you. This is the time to be selfish for all you people-pleasers out there. If you are feeling out of sorts, not sleeping well, stressed, or grumpy, take a pause and write down what is going on. When we write things down, we get greater clarity. This is why so many coaches and counselors recommend journaling. Also, be sure to write down your values and what matters to you. Pick 3-5 things that matter to you, like security, flexibility, or commitment. We will use these in the next point.
Draw it out.
Not all of us are "words" people. Even if you are, I encourage you to draw it out. Put yourself at the center of the paper and draw branches or circles that spoke off of you that represent your life. Include 7-8 branches: family, friends, finances, job/career, marriage/relationship, spiritual, recreation/fun, and community. Write down some adjectives or situations for each category to represent your current state. Then, rate yourself on a scale from 1-5 on how aligned with your values you are. If you are a 3 or less, well, you may have some work to do.
Truly reflect.
Step back from your thinking, journaling, and mini-mind mapping above and look at themes, trends, words, and pictures that emerge to describe your life and your alignment. My hope is not every category is a 3 or less, but for those that are, reflect on what is going on to contribute to that. Also, reflect on what is going right that makes you feel aligned. You could find something you can replicate in other areas of your life.
Ask for help.
Last, but not least, reach out for help when you need it. For many of us, it is hard to step outside of ourselves and truly look in objectively. When I went to a counselor, she asked me to describe situations, behaviors, and feelings about my marriage. After listening, she handed me a piece of paper that contrasted a healthy relationship with an abusive one in two columns. The right column labeled "abusive" read like a checklist. No way. I was NOT in an abusive relationship. But, yes...yes, I was. Outside help be it a therapist, coach, or pastor can help you name what is going on and give you the tools to manage it or change it. Friends can be helpful, but just realize they may not be equipped to help you in very serious situations.
Happiness is feeling aligned and at peace. We may not feel this way every day because life happens and throws us curveballs. But our goal is to be sure we are living our values because when we are, we perform better in our jobs, we help more people, we enjoy our relationships, and we can positively contribute to something bigger than ourselves.
My last comment is if anyone needs help or someone to talk to, you can reach out to me. I am not a licensed therapist, but I am happy to listen and share my experiences. Simply DM me through LinkedIn or email me at kacie@kaciewalters.com. Here's to happiness!
Next week, we will explore what can managers do to help or inspire happiness and alignment in the workplace.