When your team is in conflict: 5 steps a manager can take
Conflict can be a sticky subject. When we are in conflict with ourselves or with another person, we can feel exhausted, stressed, or even angry. As a manager, it can be even tougher to witness conflict between team members or between our team and another team. We can feel stuck, stressed, and sometimes powerless as a manager because we don't want to further escalate the situation or make matters worse by stepping in.
One time in my career, I was having a conflict with a colleague in another department. We simply did not see eye to eye and while I tried to remain professional, the other person started to make it very personal, which is never the right way to go, by the way. I tried to wear my “empathy and understanding” hat by asking questions to try and understand his position and feelings.
The conflict existed under the surface for quite a while, and nothing I did could quell it. I could stave it off from time to time, but there seemed to be more than just disagreement afoot. I realized that my team and I were hired to do a job that this person wanted. I was never going to change those facts and that person carried that with him for my entire tenure at the organization.
The conflict started to spread to my team members and they were in my office every other week venting and asking for guidance. So, I decided to speak to the leader of the department to which this person reported. I stated facts, how it made my team feel, and what I thought a possible solution could be.
I was shut down immediately and told to handle it myself without any support from this department head. She knew of the situation but was not going to get involved and was not going to help address it. I was a bit flabbergasted by this response. On some level, I understand not wanting to exacerbate the situation, but I really could have used her help in trying to mediate and work through the root cause to move us forward. I was going to get no such support from her.
Dealing with conflict on a team or between teams is tricky no doubt, but avoidance is the wrong way to go. Here are five steps any manager can do to help move people forward.
Ask questions.
As in any situation, it is always best to start by asking questions instead of lobbing statements, especially emotionally-charged zingers. A few good questions to ask include: 1) Can you describe what has transpired? 2) How did that make you feel? 3) Have you tried to resolve this? If so, what was the result? 4) If not, is there a barrier I can help you overcome?
Seek to understand.
Questions will help you get an understanding and truly listen to and process the issue. Many times we ask questions but then tune out the answers or only hear partial answers that may fit our point of view. Resist that urge. Even if you can't relate completely, try and understand the other's point of view. It can be difficult to understand if we don't get it or can't see why someone would feel that way. Try to anyway. This is the definition of empathy -- to understand and show compassion even when we don't get it or wouldn't feel the same way given the same circumstances.
Propose baby-step solutions.
Resolving conflict may or may not be a quick item to check off the list. Sometimes, it can be a simple misunderstanding. As in my example, there was a lot at play and it took a while to move past the conflict. Start small with how you think the conflict can be resolved. Start with...can we have a conversation to share our respective points of view? Can we seek to understand everyone's perspective? Can we take just one step that might start to help? Trying to sweep it under the rug or jump on the entire elephant at once could backfire and make things worse.
Try something out.
When it comes to conflict, doing nothing is not a solution. I suppose sometimes things can blow over if they are small, but if there is a big problem, avoidance only lets things simmer and boil over if not addressed. Take some action. The best first action is to ask questions of each party. The second step is to bring the two together to talk it out. I have done this twice with team members. I always did this off-site (when everyone was in an office), set the stage that this is a safe place, and asked non-defensive questions about what was happening, how people felt, and what we could do to move forward. Both times yielded success.
Check in.
A common step that we skip is to check in. Perhaps everything is going smoothly, but still, ask how it is going and if things are better. If so, what has made them better? Unfortunately, conflict sometimes can rear its head again if we fall into bad habits or "play old tapes", as one of my leaders used to say. It is essential to check in explicitly on this topic with each party.
Conflict is never easy but by having patience, asking questions, truly seeking to understand, and taking some action, it can be resolved and people can move forward. I am sure many of us have some situations to share. We are human, after all, and conflict does arise. We all don't see things the same, we weren't raised the same, and we don't share all of the same values or use all of the same relationship tactics.
It is important to stay in tune with your team and regularly ask questions about how things are going to uncover if there is any conflict. If you don't ask, you may not know until someone disengages or leaves.